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Angel of Death
This statue found at Druid Ridge Cemetery, in Baltimore, depicts an angel with a garland and a pair of scissors in one hand, and a cut-off piece of the garland in the other hand, which is then passed on into the realm of the graves in the background. Depression can disconnect us in similar ways.
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Depression is a motherfucker.
To understand Depression (for me, Depression gets a big D as it has been such a formidable opponent) you have to know it. Innately. Through direct experience. I hope you never understand Depression.
I recently read an article written by Erica Leibrandt on Depression that said a lot of things Depression isn't, and several that it is. You can read that article here. Interestingly, Ms Leibrandt's article was written, or at least posted, on Christmas Eve, last year.
Holidays and anniversaries are common triggers of Depression. My most recent episode was kicked off by the anniversary of my high school graduation (2 June 1989, if you're scoring along at home). On such days of significance, people tend to take stock of where they are in life. That's fine, until you also introduce the comparative measure of where you thought you'd be by that time. Birthdays, major holidays, and anniversaries of loss are all major milestones which serve as a springboard for the kind of introspective thinking that can lead a person along a path that rides right down Main Street through the heart of Depression's always bustling downtown business district.
Those who limit depression to the vacuity of feeling or thought have not had my experience with Depression. My major insecurity is that I have not found a woman to love me in a completely accepting and meaningful way. No disrespect to the relationship partners I've had; but, none of those relationships worked out. Anyway, Depression will first seek to attack you at your most significant point of vulnerability. Too often, that works.
You may notice that I said that Depression will attack at your most significant point of vulnerability, instead of at your point of weakness. That was deliberate. Vulnerability is not weakness; neither is insecurity. Relinquishing ownership of vulnerability and insecurity is weakness; and, that is exactly what Depression will try to eviscerate from you. Depression knows that it cannot take away your insecurity and vulnerability, because it needs you to retain those points of access, so it can try to regain entry whenever it wants.
So, what is the answer? Well, in short, I don't know, because Depression keeps coming back to me. What I do know is that doing nothing to fight Depression is not the answer. The longer you feel disconnected, the more disconnected you feel. The key is to do something. Do anything! Just don't do nothing. For me, my something is photography. My current project (as you can see in the photo at the top of this post) is documenting memorial sculptures in cemeteries. Photography is integral to who I am. It is something I have to do. For me, taking pictures is as natural as breathing. Walking around alone in a cemetery photographing grave markers may seem like an odd remedy for Depression; I kinda like it, because it's a kind of in-your-face affront to Depression on its own turf - literally!
Find your thing that you absolutely have to do. If you do not yet know what comes as naturally to you as breathing; then, start with breathing. Square breaths. Inhale deeply to the count of four. Hold to the count of four. Exhale deeply to the count of four. And, hold to the count of four. Repeat for at least ten minutes; fifteen or twenty minutes is even better. Try to do this everyday; and, always do this when you feel the approach of Depression. Will it always help? No, but it will never hurt. Keep in mind that we live in an imperfect world, and, sometimes, life just has to suck. But, it doesn't have to stay that way, and it is not beyond your control.
Taking ownership of things like vulnerability and insecurity and, eventually, even Depression means you get to decide how your story goes, instead of having life just happen to you!
"Connected", Stereo MCs
P.S. I initiated this blog at the behest of my friend, counselor, and confidant, Kerry, who wanted me to put my photography and writing skills together and combined into one place. Thank you, Kerry, for sticking with me. I love you, and I honor the accomplishments you continue to help me achieve and enjoy!
